Trouble

I don't know where else to go.

I am doing my on business now and I am thinking to expand it. The thing is I need some capital. So I was thinking maybe I could get some from dad and I told mom about it.

The thing is, she looked reluctant and she didn't even look at me. And then I get him.

He still owe her some money and we are still living in her house, almost for free. And I feel so humiliated.

I feel so bad. I am start to think this was a mistake.
Perhaps I should not be where I am now.

I know I am a bad person but I do hope God save His mercy for me. Pleaselah.

See the world

I want to go and see the world and I don't want to do it when I am already old, hardly walking. I want to see cultures and fashion and oh, the food too.

The question is when? How?

When are all my dreams will come true?

Sad. Sad.

Ok, I'll be patient but I don't know till how long can I stay and I am counting the time. Within 3 years from now, things MUST get better. MUST because I want to raise a child and I don't want to deal and live with all this shittiness anymore.

So what is they don't?

Just say, I have my plan already and a track record.

Check up

I got my continual medication today, 2 days late than the usual date. The dr said it should be fine but I am skeptical although I know she is the dr.

Anyway, she asked me to do a self breast check up when my menses end. What is she trying to say, that the medication she gave me might contribute to cancer?

Or maybe I am the one who is paranoid?

Menstrual comes again

Now that I take the contraceptive jab, my menses had gone haywired. My previous menses ended a week a go and now it's back again. Not only with the cramp but with the bloated tummy and pimples!

Big ugly juicy pimples.

And my mood swings is having double action.

I am going to see my g.p tomorrow for another jab, also to consult her regarding this matter. It is tiring to have menstrual this frequent and menstrual means no sex.

That can leads to triple action mood swing.

My worries

I sometimes found myself telling people to keep holding on to their love. Although many years ago, I experienced the feeling of being out of love.

I love that guy, to me he was everything and I was pretty sure that we will end up together. Yet the dreams were shattered when he can't provide me with my needs. That time was presence and security. I admit, I am not an easy person to handle. Especially back then.

I left him not too long. Can't really see why should I hang on any longer.

I am more matured now, I changed too. But how can I save myself from falling out of love again?

At times I keep asking myself, is this how my life going to be? Bury in worries and convincing myself, once I take the huge step, it should be forever? I know I can still go on like this, at least for now. But the little flickering treacherous feeling might spread, not to soon I hope.

I pray to God so that it will always stay. I do.

But I don't know, maybe He is trying to punish the little selfish girl in me.

I am so sorry.

In the end

I am in the midst of baking pound cheesecake when the mixer broke down. I had to use my own energy to beat them up. Not only that, I set the temperature too high and now the cake is burn!
My poor cake!

Yes I am a housewife again. But this time I figured I can not rely on other people who can only promise to make things better but didn't happen or work out in the end. I know I sounded bitter, because honestly I am. I was told I would be given some money if I quit but I foresee that it will not come true, looking at the current situation. Well words are just words. As much as I loathe them, that is just out of my control. Unless, I demand for my freedom which is.. let say give it sometimes. Like I use to say to people, if you are not happy about anything, do something about it.

Well, I am going to start something on my own. I am not sure whether or not it will turn out to be ok but I just have to try.

Ok, gotto check the cake.

Whinehouse

This is yet another whining entry.

I want to get out from this country, from this life. I know I am supposed to be thankful but yeah, here I am writing all this.

It sucks to be stuck in this situation where I have to go to work :P although I know that I am not supposed to feel this way. But, I did, I did stressed that this is not the life that I want.

I want to own my own place and I don't want to see the people I know now. Wait, this sounds like I want death to come to me isn't it?

Don't knowlah. If only I am capable to make things happen on my own, it will happen long time ago.

Argh. I am stressed out. I can't tell anyone because making people upset is not a nice thing to do.

Toothache

I am having a toothache. It hurts so much.

Maybe it's time to visit the dentist.

Loving someone

It is funny when you list down the criteria for your dream guy and ended settling with not what you wanted.

You thought that you could not settle for less and you are sure of that but when he came, you start to reanalyse. Sure he doesn't fit the criteria but he's a nice man. How easy it is to find a nice man nowadays?

Sometimes it is a wise decision to go for someone who really adores you rather than you crazily in love with them. Well, I am not saying that you shouldn't have any feeling for them, you should at least some.

Because if everything fail, you would not get hurt that much and when it's time to walk away, you can walk without turning back.

I am no ice queen, I only speak the truth although I know lots of people objected. I am sick of being a sick stupid puppy and at the end of the day just ignored, taken for granted and left behind.

But there's one thing that I can not deny. Despite the fact that I am not entirely happy and I have to bear for a little while (the duration is actually unknown and uncertain), I love him.

I do.

Verdict

I've tried cooking the onion ring, it was not bad at all. Maybe I could add more flavour to it, using the mixture of onion and garlic seasoning perhaps?

On the other hand, I am feeling a bit down. My applications were mostly rejected. Am I that bad? I can feel my self esteem is going down the drain. I wish I could share with someone but sometimes the person who available doesn't seemed to be a suitable candidate. I need someone who is truly proving their words, now that's comfort.

But I am not going to give up nor sit down, do nothing and wait for things to happen.

Time bomb

I am like a time bomb.



Quiet, minding my own business and sucking it up to myself. Why should I tick aloud when the other party would not do anything, or worst will make me end up feeling like shit because I try to let it out.

That's ok. I have my own term and my own time. You probably would not know because after all that happen to me, I am good at keeping things to myself, concealing my feeling. But like the time bomb, I will keep ticking and ticking until the time comes.

Bomb!

Call me selfish. Yes I am but at least I acknowledge what I want far before I seal the deal and that time, I was told it was ok to want what I want, to feel what I feel.

How do I feel right now?

You pulled me under,
If I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
That's breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage that's done.
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.

I love this piece by James Morrison and now when I hear it, everything make sense.

God, please give me strength, please pull me in!

Somehow I can post any title to my entry anymore. The title part in blogger just disappear, I wonder where does it goes to?

Truth is I am feeling kind of lonely right now. Empty. And I have a burden that I am carrying at this moment, I wish I could type it here but it is somewhat personal.

But one question though, how can men be so convincing that you were so convinced that you ended wearing a ring. But later they turn out to be not the same as you thought they were?

And how can you get out of the situation?

I need something to cheer me up. I know, I will go shopping. Yes. Followed by a session of Al-Waqiah recital. It was said that reciting it every night, one will never life in poverty.

Actually I just need some comfort, from Him of course.

Which one would you rather choose?

1. A husband who is a workaholic, you give you all the money that you want in this world which also include Prada, Manolos and all those eye popping handbags but on the other hand doesn't care much, sometimes neglect you and doesn't make you feel special at all.


or


2. A husband who is lazy and prefer to stay at home, yet always pamper you with love, attention and treated you like no one else exist. On the other hand, the material wise are not so lucrative. You get to shop, once in a while but not really feeling the touch of Tom Ford nor Lagerfeld.
   
   

You can't choose to mix some of the elements of the two. Just one.

Don't asked me which one, I am asking you.